Love is often described as a whirlwind of emotion, passion, and connection. But what happens when those feelings become all-consuming, when thoughts of another person take over your mind and your sense of self begins to fade into the intensity of longing? This is the experience of limerence, a psychological state that is both intoxicating and deeply challenging.
As a psychologist and the author of Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much (set to be published by Routledge in 2025), I have explored the complexities of this phenomenon. Understanding limerence is the first step in breaking free from its grip and reclaiming your sense of balance and self.
What is Limerence?
Limerence is an intense emotional state characterised by obsessive thoughts, longing, and idealisation of another person. It goes beyond just a crush or romantic attraction; it carries disturbingly obsessive qualities that can dominate your thoughts and emotions.
Key features of limerence include:
Intrusive thoughts: The person occupies your mind almost constantly, making it difficult to focus on anything else.
Emotional highs and lows: You feel euphoric when you sense reciprocation and devastated by perceived rejection or indifference.
Idealisation: You view the person through a lens of perfection, often overlooking or dismissing their flaws.
Dependency: Your mood, sense of self-worth, and even your daily functioning may hinge on interactions with or thoughts about this person.
Elaborate fantasies: You imagine detailed scenarios involving the person, which may be neutral, romantic, or sexual in nature, further deepening your preoccupation.
While limerence can feel exhilarating at first, it often becomes exhausting and destabilising, particularly if the feelings are unreciprocated or the relationship is unhealthy.
How is Limerence Different from Love?
Limerence is not the same as love. Love is built on mutual respect, understanding, and a steady connection that deepens through shared experiences and consistent, reciprocal actions. It thrives in stability and fosters a healthy, balanced relationship where both individuals feel secure and valued.
Limerence, by contrast, thrives on uncertainty and idealization. While it may involve a profound sense of connection, it is fueled more by longing, fantasy, and obsession than by the day-to-day actions of mutually building a stable and healthy partnership.
Limerence and love cannot coexist within the same relationship. While limerence depends on uncertainty to sustain its intensity, love is grounded in stability, trust, and tangible mutual effort. Building a healthy, mutual, and enduring love relationship fosters certainty and stability, which naturally lead to the dissipation of limerence.
What Causes Limerence?
The roots of limerence can vary and often tie back to deeper emotional needs or unresolved experiences. Some contributing factors that have been suggested include:
Attachment styles: Individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment patterns may be more prone to limerence.
Past trauma: Experiences of loss, rejection, abandonment, or neglect might contribute to a heightened sensitivity to limerence.
More research needed: While some patterns and theories have been identified, further research is necessary to determine the causes and correlations underlying limerence.
Understanding these underlying factors can provide valuable insights and support the process of healing.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy is a powerful tool for understanding and managing limerence. It offers a space to explore the roots of your feelings, break free from unhealthy patterns, and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
In therapy, we might:
Explore the underlying causes: Understanding what drives your limerence can help you untangle its hold on your thoughts and emotions.
Challenge idealisation: Therapy can help you see the person you are fixated on more realistically, breaking down the fantasy that fuels the obsession.
Develop coping strategies: Practical tools, like mindfulness and cognitive reframing, can help you manage intrusive thoughts and regulate your emotions.
For those in relationships where limerence is present, therapy can also provide a space to navigate the impact on the partnership and work toward greater balance and connection.
Reclaiming Your Sense of Self
Limerence is overwhelming, but it also offers a unique opportunity to explore and understand the fragmented parts of yourself that it may be masking. By working through the emotions and patterns it brings to the surface, you can uncover deeper truths about your needs, fears, and desires.
Limerence often blocks you from experiencing real love and connection, keeping you fixated on an idealized version of a person rather than engaging with them or others in a healthy, grounded way. Therapy provides a supportive and insightful space to navigate these challenges. It can help you not only break free from limerence but also open the door to meaningful relationships.
Through self-reflection and healing, you can reclaim a stronger, more integrated sense of self and move forward with greater clarity, peace, and authenticity.
If you are navigating limerence or feel stuck in a cycle of obsessive love, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can explore the deeper patterns shaping your experiences and work toward creating a life that feels balanced, fulfilling, and aligned with your true self.
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