Relationships in the Time of Lockdown
The global pause brought on by the COVID-19 lockdown has been a unique and revealing time for our relationships. Whether we have been in isolation with our partners, apart from them, or without a partner altogether, this period has offered a potent opportunity for reflection and introspection about the state of our most intimate connections.
Varied Experiences of Lockdown Togetherness
For couples who have been in lockdown together, the responses have varied widely. Some have relished the extra time and space to deepen intimacy, connection, and desire. These couples may already have had a strong foundation of good communication, more positive than negative interactions, and a thriving sexual connection. For them, the ability to simply be at home together has been nourishing and nurturing.
For others in fairly good relationships but with some underlying conflicts or avoidance of intimacy, lockdown has highlighted areas for improvement. Some couples have become more aware of the ways they avoid closeness. Without the option to leave the shared space for long periods, the desire to escape may manifest in behaviors like extended screen time, focusing excessively on work or the kids, or retreating to another room unnecessarily.
For these couples, lockdown can be a valuable time to ask introspective questions:
What makes intimacy uncomfortable for me?
How do I distance myself from my partner?
In what ways might this be harming our connection or preventing deeper intimacy?
Balancing Space and Connection
Humans have a natural need for individual space—physically, emotionally, and mentally. However, it’s important to reflect on whether the space we take is healthy or if it’s primarily to avoid authentic relating with our partner. How much are we leaning into connection, and how much are we turning away from it?
Research suggests that couples who lean into intimate connection more than they turn away are more likely to find their relationships satisfying and fulfilling. Addressing the root causes of resistance to intimacy is essential for showing up fully for both ourselves and our partners.
Conflict and Domestic Violence
The lockdown has also seen a rise in conflict and domestic violence globally. Domestic violence, often targeting women, represents the darkest side of intimate relationships. Those experiencing physical, emotional, or sexual abuse often feel trapped, unable to escape the cycle of torment. In such cases, leaving the situation is always the safest and best option. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please call 1800 737 732 (Australia) for support.
For relationships experiencing conflict without violence, there are techniques to reduce negative emotions and foster better communication.
Building Gentleness and Active Listening
One effective approach is to start relational interactions with gentleness. Instead of beginning with harshness or accusations, try expressing something positive about your partner before discussing boundaries or concerns. This makes it more likely your partner will truly hear you, as they are less likely to be jolted into a fight/flight/freeze response.
When discussing complaints, boundaries, or requests, focus on your feelings (e.g., “I feel…”) and needs (e.g., “I need…”) rather than framing the conversation as blame. By staying in the “I” space, you avoid inducing defensiveness and instead create a safer, gentler space for understanding.
Active listening is also critical. This means consciously clearing your mental space to be fully present for your partner. Avoid interrupting, crafting your response while they are speaking, or tuning out. Instead, strive to be an open, receptive space for them to share their thoughts and feelings. When partners feel heard, they are more likely to listen in return.
Fostering Positivity in Relationships
Talking, laughing, playing, and being intimate with your partner are essential for building connection. Ideally, the ratio of positive to negative interactions should favor positivity to maintain a healthy dynamic. Even during conflict, you can introduce positivity through small gestures, like a loving touch, lighthearted humor, or speaking with gentleness. These actions help both partners engage from a place of empathy, compassion, and rationality rather than defensiveness and fear.
Questions for Introspection
Whatever the state of your relationship, this is a potent time to reflect and explore:
What are my blocks to intimacy?
How can I feel safer in my relationship?
What needs to change for me to feel more secure?
How can I help my partner feel more loved and supported?
Engaging in this kind of awareness and consciousness can deepen connection and help both partners grow. There are countless ways to connect, interact, and love. If you feel that couples therapy could provide a helpful space to explore these issues further, I would love to support you.
If you are experiencing domestic violence, please seek help by calling 1800 737 732 (Australia).
Comentarios