Recognising Limerence in Yourself: Self-Assessment Guide
- Orly Miller
- Mar 20
- 3 min read
Updated: Mar 25
Limerence can feel confusing and overwhelming, especially if you are unsure whether your intense feelings for someone are part of a healthy romantic attraction or a pattern of obsessive infatuation. Recognising limerence in yourself is the first step toward understanding your emotional state and making decisions that align with your mental and emotional wellbeing.
This self-assessment guide will help you identify the signs of limerence and reflect on your feelings to determine if they may be impacting your life and relationships.
What Is Limerence?
Limerence is an intense emotional state characterised by obsessive thoughts, emotional dependency, and an idealised view of another person. It often involves:
Intrusive thoughts about the person
Emotional highs and lows tied to their attention or lack thereof
Fantasies about a future together
A focus on their perceived perfection, overlooking flaws
Unlike healthy love, limerence is rooted in fantasy and often lacks reciprocity or a realistic understanding of the person’s character.
Self-Assessment Questions
Use the following questions to reflect on your emotions and behaviours. Answer honestly to gain clarity about whether you might be experiencing limerence.
1. Are Your Thoughts Frequently Consumed by Them?
Do you think about this person constantly, even when you are trying to focus on other things?
Are these thoughts intrusive, making it hard to concentrate on work, hobbies, or daily tasks?
2. Do You Idealise Them?
Do you believe this person is perfect or flawless?
Have you overlooked or dismissed any red flags or imperfections because of your feelings?
3. Do You Feel Extreme Emotional Highs and Lows?
Does receiving attention or validation from this person make you feel euphoric?
Do you feel devastated, anxious, or even physically unwell when they do not respond to you as you hoped?
4. Are You Fantasising About a Future Together?
Do you spend a lot of time imagining scenarios where you are together, even if there are significant barriers to this becoming a reality?
Are these fantasies disconnected from the actual dynamics of your interactions?
5. Do You Rely on Their Attention for Validation?
Does your mood depend on how much attention or affection they give you?
Do you feel incomplete or unworthy without their recognition?
6. Is Your Behaviour Changing Because of Them?
Have you adjusted your schedule, appearance, or interests to align with what you think they might like?
Do you feel compelled to go out of your way to cross paths with them or find excuses to contact them?
7. Is Your Life Being Disrupted?
Are your thoughts and feelings about this person interfering with your relationships, work, or other responsibilities?
Do you feel emotionally drained or unable to focus on other areas of your life?
Understanding Your Results
If you answered "yes" to many of these questions, you may be experiencing limerence. Recognising this emotional state is an important step toward understanding yourself and taking action to regain balance.
What to Do If You Recognise Limerence in Yourself
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Understanding that you are experiencing limerence is not about blaming or shaming yourself. Acknowledge your feelings with self-compassion and remind yourself that limerence can be managed with treatment.
2. Reflect on Your Emotional Patterns
Consider the patterns in your past relationships or attractions. Are there recurring themes of obsession, idealisation, or dependency? Reflecting on these patterns can help you understand the underlying causes of limerence.
3. Create Emotional Space
If possible, reduce contact with the person you are infatuated with to give yourself the space needed to gain clarity. This may involve setting boundaries or limiting interactions that trigger obsessive thoughts.
4. Focus on Self-Care
Invest time in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment outside of this relationship. Exercise, mindfulness, and creative pursuits can help you shift your focus and improve your emotional wellbeing.
5. Seek Professional Support
A therapist can provide valuable insights and tools to navigate limerence, address underlying emotional patterns, and develop healthier ways of relating to others.
Moving Toward Emotional Freedom
Recognising limerence in yourself is the first step toward self-awareness and emotional freedom. By understanding your feelings and taking intentional steps to address them, you can regain balance and open yourself to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
For a deeper dive into understanding and overcoming limerence, my upcoming book offers comprehensive insights and practical strategies to help you navigate this emotional experience and find peace.
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