Limerence: Recognising the Red Flags of Obsessive Infatuation

Limerence can feel like falling deeply in love, but it is a very different emotional experience. At its core, limerence is characterised by intense infatuation, emotional dependency, and intrusive, obsessive thoughts. It tends to idealise the other person in ways that detach us from reality. While it can feel romantic, exciting, and even transcendent in the beginning, limerence disrupts emotional equilibrium and leads us away from healthy connection.

It is not uncommon to mistake limerence for love. The physiological intensity, the emotional highs and lows, and the fantasy of closeness can mimic the early stages of attraction. But limerence is not grounded in reciprocity. It often arises in response to emotional unavailability, ambiguity, or unmet attachment needs, and tends to flourish in the absence of relational clarity.

Limerence involves persistent, involuntary thoughts about the other person, to the point of mental preoccupation. The emotional state becomes dependent on whether or not we receive attention or validation from them. When they respond, we feel euphoric. When they withdraw, we feel destabilised. These shifts are not signs of connection, but rather indicators of emotional dependency.

A key feature of limerence is the idealisation of the other. We may see them as perfect, flawless, or uniquely suited to us. This distorted lens can prevent us from noticing important relational red flags, or from acknowledging the parts of the connection that feel confusing, one-sided, or even unsafe.

Limerence includes a strong pull into fantasy. The imagined future feels more real than the present moment. We create elaborate internal narratives about how things could unfold, even when the reality of the situation contradicts these hopes. In doing so, we can lose sight of our own needs, desires, and boundaries.

It is not unusual for daily functioning to be affected. We may find ourselves withdrawing from hobbies, social engagement, or responsibilities. The emotional intensity of limerence can create a kind of tunnel vision that narrows our world down to a single point of focus.

Avoidance is also common. When reality does not match our fantasy, it may feel easier to ignore or rationalise red flags than to face the grief or discomfort of disconnection. We may tell ourselves stories that protect the illusion, even when part of us knows it is unsustainable.

There is often emotional volatility. The nervous system can become dysregulated in response to perceived cues of rejection, approval, intimacy, or distance. These swings between elation and despair can feel addictive, leaving us confused, exhausted, and disoriented.

Many people who experience limerence find it difficult to acknowledge the pattern while they are in it. It may feel like a once-in-a-lifetime connection, or like the only thing that makes life feel meaningful. But beneath that intensity, there is usually an unmet emotional need, something deeper that is asking to be seen and tended to.

Recognising these signs is not about shame. It is about compassion. In a way, limerence may be viewed as a coping strategy. It can be a way to avoid grief, loneliness, unmet developmental needs, or unresolved trauma. Understanding that the longing itself is not wrong, but that the object of the longing may not be the answer, is an important and empowering shift.

Healing begins when we can gently reflect on what this dynamic is revealing. What does the longing represent? What is the fantasy protecting you from feeling? What emotional need is being outsourced, and can it be met in a different, more sustaining way?

You do not need to abandon your capacity for deep feeling. But it helps to differentiate between love and limerence. Love is mutual. It is present. It is reciprocal. It allows you to remain in relationship with yourself.

If limerence is something you have experienced or are currently moving through, know that you are not alone. These patterns are more common than we often realise, and they are not permanent. With awareness, support, and self-inquiry, it is possible to shift out of obsession and into clarity.

My upcoming book explores the emotional and psychological roots of limerence, its connection to attachment, and offers practical tools for healing. If this resonates, it may offer a supportive next step on your path to emotional resilience and relational wholeness.